When Harley asked me to write a guest post for her blog not only was I thrilled and honored but I immediately knew what the topic was going to be. Now that she is 18, graduated high school, and a freshman in college I am getting to witness and be apart of her journey into adulthood. There are so many life lessons that I would love to impart to her and her friends. It’s kind of funny, though, there have been so many times in the last year that I shake my head in wonder and tell Shawn how I wish that I would have had their courage, maturity, self awareness, security, you name it, that they have shown already. So while I’m writing this blog to share what I hope to be some wisdom with them and our younger generation, just know that part of this wisdom is also coming from watching their journeys and what THEY have TAUGHT me.
1. It’s not the end of the world
I know that high school feels like the end all be all but in truth there will come a time after you graduate where you will look back and make this connection. So that breakup or dissolving friendship, rumors or bad grades, getting grounded or made fun of… as much as it seems like the world will come crashing down and your life is practically over, it’s not and it won’t be. You will move on and the truly important things will come with you and everything else will stay behind if you let it. You’ll look back and realize that most of the people you went to school with will all go their separate ways and all the heart ache or upset or worry will go with them. That maturing into adult hood helps you realize how the end of the world really wasn’t that big of a deal. The best part of it all is that you get to also choose to take all the joy, laughter, and fun times forward with you, too. Those memories will stay with you for the rest of your life and you will appreciate them all the more as you get older.
2. You don’t need attention to be happy
The world teaches us, especially young women, that our worth is in our looks and the attention we are able to garner from boys (hormones don’t help either lol). We are taught that we are a distraction or an object and through those teachings we internalize everything, and it reemerges as a need for attention and validation. I remember being willing to sacrifice friendships, or lie, or hide things from my parents over the attention of a boy. What I realized though is that seeking attention was a viscous cycle that ended up doing the opposite of what I thought it would. It always ended up with me feeling invalidated, unworthy, and even more like an object. It was only by prioritizing my self-love that I was able to slowly but surely unravel that internalized need for attention and replace it with the need to seek out authentic relationships that still honored who I was as a person – no matter what form those came in. Friendships, romantic relationships, one-night stands, dating, etc. Honor yourself and release yourself from the weight of needing that external validation.
3. School does not prepare you for life AFTER high school
Sure, high school prepares you for lots of things, but it most certainly leaves out a few key lessons that I wished I would have known or been taught way earlier on; first and foremost personal finance. How to make and stick to a budget, how to manage your bank account and “balance your checkbook” (I know we have technology that helps us do this now vs. doing it manually but the saying still stands). How to save money and what to save your money for AND saving for retirement NOW #compoundinterest. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are young and don’t need to do some of these things for a while; that you have plenty of time. Take it from someone that didn’t start until she was almost 30….you don’t and you will thank me later if you learn to prioritize these things now.
4. Red Flags are red flags
Sometimes we want to see the best in people and rationalize certain behaviors or actions. We want so badly to believe that people love us and care about us that we are willing to ignore red flags or make excuses for them. If someone is undermining you in front of your friends, showing jealous tendencies, disrespecting your boundaries or inappropriate with you, putting you down, speaking poorly about people that aren’t in the room, have extreme outbursts, showing manipulative tendencies, etc…. These are ALL things to pay attention to (and so many other things I didn’t call out). It is ok to distance yourself from them. It is ok to lose a supposed friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. You will survive and you will attract YOUR people in time. If there are red flags, though, they may not be your people and that is ok.
5. You don’t have to go along to get along
Peer pressure is for real and so is the pressure we put on our selves to fit in. Whether its consuming alcohol at a party, pushing past our boundaries with a romantic partner, joining in on gossip, cheating on school work or tests, stealing something, or something as simple as going to a restaurant you don’t like to placate everyone else. You do not have to go along to get along. You’re allowed to set boundaries and you are allowed to respect your own boundaries by enforcing them with your friends and family. This isn’t to say that you never compromise or push yourself to try to new things because there’s a huge difference there. You will know inside when it’s a healthy or toxic situation and I encourage you to trust your gut and give yourself permission to walk away if needed.
6. You’re parents aren’t wrong about everything
**Assuming you have a relatively healthy relationship with your parents** This is the age where you are going to start seeing some of those life lessons your parents have been trying to teach you(previously viewed as a bunch of crap just to keep you grounded and unhappy lol) start to come into focus. It’s a big world out there with lots of responsibilities and a vast terrain that will need to be navigated physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your parents biggest hope was to prepare you as best as possible. Pushing you to focus on school, telling you a someone wasn’t right for you, grounding you when you lied, making you get up early, encouraging you to participate in an extra curricular, or telling you not to go to that certain party. It all stemmed from a place of love, protection, and education. The flip side of this is your parents are human and they are also not right about everything either. You’re allowed to cut them some slack and extend grace if its healthy for you to do so.
7. Read deeply and widely
Our world is filled with noise and opinions and facts and garbage. Its going to be hard to decipher and formulate your own educated opinions unless you research. Always check sources and most importantly DO NOT CREATE AN ECHO CHAMBER. Follow multiple credible outlets/experts (widely) and never stop at the headlines; read the whole dang thing (deeply). Be okay with reading things you don’t necessarily agree with. This will constantly challenge your beliefs and in turn either reinforce them or evolve them. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind when you learn new information the same way there’s nothing wrong to sticking to your guns when you know you’ve done your research and believe in something.
8. Sometimes, it is about you
I know we’ve all heard the saying “it’s not all about you”… but sometimes it absolutely is. Sometimes you’re the toxic friend. Sometimes you have caused the hurt or damage. You’re not perfect and we all make mistakes even if we like to think we are the good ornice one. Remember, though, good doesn’t equal right and nicedoesn’t shield you from the consequences of your behavior. When you find yourself in this position, and you will eventually, your gut reaction is going to become defensive. Drop that shit right now and replace it with the response of validation. Validate how you made them feel and genuinely apologize. It may not always save the closeness of the relationship but it will allow you both to move on with a chance at healing.
9. Life is going to hit you hard
You won’t know when or where it will happen but life will deal you some crappy hands sometimes. It doesn’t matter where you live, how much money you make, who you’re with, or how good of a person you try to be. You won’t ever be immune to hard times. Knowing that, your focus shouldn’t fully be on trying to avoid these times, rather on how to weather them when they come. Surround yourself with a wonderful tribe of friends and family, learn to communicate when shit hits the fan, take care of yourself when things are good so you have more capacity to deal with the crap, slow down and think things through, and know when to ask for help. You’re not going to like it but there will be something to learn from each of these times and they will add up to be part of the life experience you use to make your best decisions.
10. Stay positive and choose joy
Being positive is not naïve and is in fact a choice you can make daily(so is finding joy) and just because you choose to be positive, even in bad times, doesn’t mean you aren’t aware of the gravity of the situation or don’t understand it. It means that even in the face of it all you are going to remember that life is a chaotic roller coaster and you can scream your head off in fear or in absolute elation (or both). This doesn’t mean your not allowed to be bummed about things or get mad/sad/angry/depressed, it means that you will hold space for those emotions and work through them all the while finding silver linings and bright spots. It means that you are going to breath deeply and marvel at how your body converts oxygen. It means that you are going to close your eyes and savor the warm sun on your skin. It means that you’re going to cry at the beauty of a song, a dance, a moment and feel it deeply. It means you are beautifully and wonderfully made, a part of the incredible universe, and surroundedby insane amounts of love. Don’t rob yourself of this choice to stay positive and choose joy.
To Harley: I hope you walk your own path and find some of these steppingstones along the way and that you add to them with each amazing experience you are bound to have. I will always be here for you no matter where life takes you. You are one of the great lights of my life and I am so blessed because of you. I am so proud of you and love you forever.
Written by: Daryl Anne Estill |Lifestyle Blogger + Mom + Friend + Recovering perfectionist & aspiring good enoughist |www.darylanneestill.com |
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